Chapter 27; Kate

Lies in Disguise

Yesterday was horrible. I never thought it was possible to be so anxious, nervous, and worried at the same time. I barely know Liz, and yet it’s like I somehow decided to focus my entire life on her. Every thought seems to drift. Maybe it’s because I need a friend or something. Or maybe because we hurt and there’s something hidden under that shell. Maybe God wants me to help her. I don’t know, but it’s certainly something.

I am so exhausted from helping people out without getting anything back in return. I had a journal once. One of the questions asked was what the nicest thing someone ever did for me was. I won’t forget how much it hurt as I searched and searched my mind but found nothing.

All I found was how many times I helped others and how many times I saved them. My whole life has to focus on making others happy. I used to say that I live to serve. Now the thought makes me sick and angry.

After I dropped the note Jaylyn broke down. Of course I had to help her, she clearly needed it. But it’s like every time I help someone their situation flows like a river through my mind. The water gets everywhere and it’s murky sometimes. Things aren’t as they seem.

Dirt and hurt puddle around my own pain. Then the water floods over it masking what’s beneath. Then when the water finally recedes I am left open and revealed to everyone. I’m so used to hiding that it is instinct to go back in my shell when people begin to see me.

When the water slowly goes away it leaves it’s fingerprints. My pain is no longer dirt. It’s mud and clay now transformed into something else by the water, the weight of others burdens atop my own. The thoughts are now mixed together. So many things reach for my attention that it’s only getting harder and harder to hear God.

But I need to forget about my problems once again because it’s 2:47 and it’s almost time for school to end. The bell rings and I grab my backpack and begin to walk out the door when Mr. Walter says he needs to talk to me. I swear if this is about the letter to our future selves I never finished last night then I am going to be so dead.

Instead he talks about me moving.

“Kate, I’ve noticed that you’ve been a little distant lately in class and you weren’t in class yesterday. Is everything all right at home? I know moving can be hard. If you need time to get used to everything I can lay off on the homework for as long as it takes you to get used to your new school.” I’m caught off guard by what he said, so it takes me a few seconds to start thinking about my answer.

“Yeah everything is fine at home. I felt sick yesterday so I didn’t come to school. I just miss all of my friends. I’m fine with the homework. I just forgot to do it last night. I got caught up with some unpacking.” I say hoping and praying that he would buy it.

“Okay then. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said waving me towards the door. I don’t think I’ve ever ran so fast out of school in my entire life. I run to the bus lane and I almost cry. I missed the bus and I live a mile or so away. I sigh and start to walk home.

Once I’m within sight of the house I bolt there. With the walk there and talking to Mr. Walter it took me almost an hour just to get to the house. I see Liz talking to Jerry and I’m so happy to see her that I run over to where she’s standing. I give her a hug, trying to show her that it’ll be okay and that I’m glad to see her but she tenses up. I pull my arms back, my face confused. But I am worried. Tense=fear and fear means something is wrong.

“Are you okay?” I ask her when I see Jerry looking at me weirdly. I decide to say something to him to ease the discomfort that’s plastered around him.

“I thought you said you’d be late. Basketball practice right?”

“Canceled.” He responded. Then Liz speaks.

“So what do you want? Why’d you tell me to come here?” My eyebrows shoot up in shock.

“I-I mean, well…. Why do you care? I’m just a stranger. Someone who caused you enough trouble already.” All I can think is, bruh. I try to reach out to her but remember how she reacted to the hug and I pull my arm back to my side.

“That’s not true, Liz! You haven’t caused me any trouble at all. And I want to help you.” Liz shakes her head.

“I just… I don’t understand. You don’t have to help me! There are people all over that are hurting and need someone to help them. Why me?” Liz starts to breathe so quickly I’m starting to wonder if she’s hyperventilating. Liz sits down and puts her head on her knees. The truth shall set you free. I guess I’ll speak my heart.

“Liz, I want to help you because I understand. You might not realize it, and I might not realize just what you’re going through either. But I do know that I understand your pain. Because I’ve been there. And I’m there right now. Even if I don’t show it.” I wait for her to say something, to deny that I’d ever understand. But she never says anything. So I decided to push through.

“Sometimes God uses bad things to help people bond. I’m sure you don’t want to hear that, but well, if Kelly wouldn’t have died then I never would have met you. Or at least not now. And now is when I need you. Not later. Because as much as it seems like I’m helping you, you’re really helping me.” A quick silence follows and my racing heart is the only thing I can hear until I hear someone speak suddenly.

“Kate, Liz! I’m here, sorry I’m late.” I look around to see, well, Jerry. But that can’t be right because Jerry is already here. I think as I turn to look at both Jerry’s. I am so confused right now.

“Jerry? Well who are you then?” I ask. Liz walks over to the first and fake Jerry.

“Oh! It’s your eyes! You aren’t Jerry!” Then the Not Jerry stands up and speaks.

“I am who I am, Elizabeth.” He says. Liz starts to back away, clearly scared.

“Who are you? What are you doing here?”

“Do you really expect me to answer that?” Not Jerry says.

“Well duh! That’s why I asked! Who. Are.You?” Liz says exasperated while rolling her eyes. Not Jerry doesn’t say a word. Real Jerry then walks over to us.

“Wow, we do look pretty similar. You look more related to me than my brother does.”

Chapter 28;Kate

World Flipped Upside Down

After the real Jerry speaks it’s utter quiet. But it’s really just awkward silence. No one knows what to say next. After a solid 10 minutes of it Liz gives up.

“Sooo….” She says.

“Soooo…..what?” Not Jerry says in a mocking tone.

“Jeez, no need for you to talk to me like that. I never did anything to hurt you.” Liz says defensively.

“Didn’t know you were my mom.” Not Jerry mumbles under his breath.

“Whatever.” She says getting quiet again. This conversation is getting really awkward again.

“How has your guy’s day been?” I say.

“Why do you need to know?” Not Jerry said.

“Just answer her question so we can get this over with!” Liz says rushed.

“Waiting for something Liz? Oh wait, I take that back. Your life is too boring to even matter. Nothing important ever happens around you.” Not Jerry said turning to face Liz.

“Hey! Watch the way you treat people! Especially my friend.” I say unfolding my arms from my chest expecting a fight soon.

“Or what? You can’t do anything to stop me.”

“Hey, let’s just stop fighting, okay? We all have things we want to ask and if we actually tried to work together maybe we could get somewhere.” Jerry says being the peacekeeper.

“I’m going first.” Liz says. “What’s your name?”

“I’m Landon.” Landon says.

“I guess we’re introducing ourselves now, so I’m Kate.”

“I’m Jerry.”

“Liz.” After Liz speaks I have an idea of what to say.

“Liz, do you think you’ll go back home? I mean, I know that what happened is really bad and all, but are you ever coming back?” I plead, begging for her to say yes.

“Do I think I’m going back home? Are you kidding me? Of course I’m not! I-I don’t want to have to go back and be reminded of what I-mean, of what happened. Of Kelly and everyone else. It hurts enough just to be here. So no, I’m not going back home. Never.”

“Well you can’t just keep on hiding. You’ll have to face the facts one day. And what if you leave for years or however long it takes until you think you’re ready to come back and everyone who ever cared for you is gone? What if they left because it only reminded them of you? Of what they lost?

Then you’ll be stuck with the truth yet again. You cannot keep ignoring the people who are there for you and the people who will help you out. Because the truth is you’re never ready. There is never a perfect time. Never an opening. You have to take your shot before you miss the moment. Or else you’ll spend your entire life regretting it. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that.” I say quieting down after my outburst. I just hope they mistake my outburst as worry and just being thoughtful instead of admitting to my own mistakes. I hope…

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